The (next to the) Last Day
by ddietz315
Summary: In the Red Dwarf series 3 episode "The Last Day," Dave Lister wakes up with a terrible hangover asking where the smeg he got the traffic cone he's holding in his hand. Well, finally that story is told! The Boyz from the Dwarf may not remember, but now you will never forget! (Originally written as a "Brief Encounter" story for "Doctor Who" magazine.)


They were drunk; all four of them.

When you're all alone on an immense starship on a seemingly endless journey through the frozen wastes of space, getting drunk wasn't an unusual occurrence. However, as the four staggered out of the Officers Lounge, it was plain to see—even though all sported very sharp-looking tuxedos—that two of them shouldn't have felt the effects of alcohol at all.

The tall android with the flattened, bald head and the man with a rather conspicuous letter H on his forehead—denoting that he was in fact a hologram—walked along the corridor in the same unsteady manner as their companions: a stockier man with dreadlocks and a half-cat man.

As the four staggered along the seemingly endless corridors of the vast starship—occasionally laughing and breaking into impromptu (and often off-key) songs—a voice which seemed to originate from all around called out to them, "Guys," the feminine voice began, slurring with the effects of intoxication.

"Wha' is it Hol?" the stocky man replied in a slurred cockney accent.

"I dunno," the voice replied, "could be nothing, but I think we've had some kind of security breach."

"What do you mean?" queried the hologram.

"Some kind of capsule has suddenly appeared aboard the ship."

"Where?"

"A few meters from where you are, apparently."

The group excitedly shuffled down the corridor—their intoxication making them disregard the possible dangers—for several minutes. It was obvious they weren't even sure if they were headed in the right direction until they finally came upon the tall, blue, box-like object that had materialized aboard the ship. The group stared up at the object in disbelief. "Oh my!" the android giggled, "I do believe I am what humans call 'blitzed.'"

"What the smeg is it, Kryten?" the man with the dreadlocks gaped.

"Well, it appears to be a Police Box. A type of municipal telephone booth that used to found on Earth. In England in the mid-twentieth century, if my memory diodes are still functioning."

"Hey!" the feline-humanoid called, his hand resting on the box. "This thing's hummin'!"

"A police box that hums..." the hologram murmured, "Holly, you didn't give the rest of us any of Kryten's special brewskie by mistake, did you?"

"No," the voice of the ship's computer replied, "I am getting some kind of power emanations from it."

"Well then," the stocky man stated. "Let's see wha's inside?" He pushed the door inwards and entered the box, closely followed by the excited Cat and Kryten.

"Lister, wait!" the hologram called out, "You don't know what that is!" Frustrated that once again Lister wasn't listening, Rimmer hesitantly followed the others inside.

From inside the box came an exasperated Lister's comment, "Smeggin' Hell!" Suddenly the doors started to close and once again from inside the box came Rimmer's cry, "Kryten! What are you doing!?", before the box wheezed like an old man and then disappeared.

* * *

The police box rematerialized in the same spot in the corridor only a few moments later, and from it emerged the four who had entered it earlier. Only this time, they were laughing even more riotously than before. Lister was holding an orange traffic cone high above his head as if he had just won the FA Cup. "How ever did you draw that constable's attention from what you were doing Mr. Lister?" Kryten asked.

"Well it's easy when you've got Don Juan Gato with ya!" Lister snickered as he glanced back at the Cat who put the police woman's hat he held on his head and threw a garter belt over Kryten's head. Rimmer brought up the rear—shaking his head admonishingly—as they disappeared down the corridor, laughing uproariously.

* * *

"I thought you said this was gonna be exciting, Professor," Ace moaned as she walked alongside the Doctor.

"Well, how often do you get the chance to explore a ghost ship?" the Doctor replied as they neared the TARDIS.

"Ghost ship?"

The Doctor turned the key in the lock of the TARDIS as he explained, "The starship _Red Dwarf_, sometimes called the '_Mary Celeste_ of Space.' It disappeared mysteriously in the year 2077 and was never seen again."

"Wicked," Ace smiled. "But Professor, if we found it, shouldn't we tell someone about it?"

"What? And ruin a perfectly exciting unsolved mystery?" the Doctor replied as the pair entered the TARDIS. Soon it began to wheeze before it disappeared from the corridor of the immense starship.


End file.
